Ease up! Laugh....

[Gizmo]

Gizmo, that is I!! To bring humor and smiles!
Joke 1:
American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Joke 2:
Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.
However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and run out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Mark said, "Yes, it is... 8 lbs., 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"

[Pele_Ivi]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Thanks for the laugh! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Gizmo]

Joke 3:
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." :laugh:

[Gizmo]

Joke 4:
A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to
the end of the penis.

The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.

One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table,
grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.

The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible"
she says, "Can you do it again?"

The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my arse can handle another bun right now"

[Tommy]

:D LOL, good stuff Gizmo!

[Black Ice]

:laugh: those are good! thanks Gizmo.

[Dave]

Great jokes Gizmo!

[TBlazeruss44]

KENTUCKY JELLY!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Way to go, Gizmo!!!!!!

[Envoy Fan]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real aXXXXXXe when you're drunk."

[Tommy]

LOL, :laugh:

[Pele_Ivi]

Thats a good one Envoy Fan!!! Keep them coming and I'll try to post some... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Black Ice]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real aXXXXXXe when you're drunk."
Now that had me and my son cracking up :laugh:

[TBlazeruss44]

Our own Comedy Channel!!!!! I love it!!! Keep 'em coming.... :laugh: :laugh:

[XTREEME]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His

father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house

is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can

afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out

the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you

going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last

night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her

tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if

I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[XTREEME]

>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"
>
>Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
>
>I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your
>Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government.
>We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The
>nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother,
>we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes
sense."
>
>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
>Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
>check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his
>diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother
>fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
>Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
>bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
>
>The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I
>understand Politics now."
>
>The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
>it is."
>
>The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
>Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored,
>and the Future is in deep trouble."

[02EnvoySLE Guy]

ROFL holy crap these are good... :D

[02EnvoySLE Guy]

Getting Lost

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 per year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund up to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years . . . say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it."

Nursing Home

At a nursing home in Florida (where else?), a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataract is so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several others nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

[Black Ice]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: keep them coming.. this is great!

[Envoy Fan]

A farmer named, Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded...

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[XTREEME]

How Unions Work:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one,
he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended
at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search

of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The
girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has
67 years seniority and she's next."

[T-BlazinOn22s]

This chick sits down at the bar and when the bartender asks what she'll have, she replies "Just gimme beer, as fast as I drink em, keep fillin em up." Then she adds "Anything but Bud Light."

The bartender is a little confused but complies. So he pours her a beer and she says "Not Bud Light, right?" He nods and she slams it. So he gets her another, and she wastes no time drinking that one.

After about 7 beers, the bartenders curiosity gets the best of him and he has to ask, "What's the problem with Bud Light?" The girl reponds, "Well, last night I drank Bud Light and blew chunks when I got home." The bartender chuckles and says, "Miss, when you drink like this, its gonna happen." She says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

[T-BlazinOn22s]

This blonde is in her canoe in the middle of a corn field rowin' her ass off. Not goin anywhere, but shes still rowin'. So another blonde pulls up in her big 4x4 and starts yellin at her. "You know, its girls like you that give blondes a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[Envoy Fan]

Best Drinking Story Ever Told
>
>Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood
>bar in Bradenton. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving
>the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around
>the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
>
>After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
>vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
>there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
>off.
>
>Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
>night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then
>switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
>reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
>more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking
>lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
>
>The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up
>his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
>and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer
>indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!
>
>Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
>police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
>
>"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Gizmo]

:laugh: thats messed up, but funny

[Gizmo]

Alright here comes "yo mamma jokes"

YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:
-she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.
-when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised
-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
-her favorite dress is a tent
-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops
-she has to iron her pants on the driveway
-she needs a building permit for her girdle
-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring
-she puts on tampons with a bazooka
-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller
-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon
-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out
-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel
-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar
-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

[Gizmo]

Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
- Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
- Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
- Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
- Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
- Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
- Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
- Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

[Gizmo]

:laugh: ^^^^^^

[04TBEXT]

Kid walks up to his father and asks, "So Dad...Where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Dad thinks for a moment..."Well son, you must have got it from your mother... cause I still have all of mine. :laugh:

[Envoy Fan]

> Subject: Circumcised

> >>A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
> >>the class, was squirming around, scratching his
> >>crotch and not paying attention. She went back to
> >>find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed
> >>and whispered that he had just recently been
> >>circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher
> >>told him to go down to the principal's office. He
> >>was to phone his mother and ask her what he should
> >>do about it. He did, and returned to his class.
> >>Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
> >>room. She went back to investigate only to find him
> >>sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I
> >>thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
> >>
> >>"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
> >>stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up
> >>from school."

[CTB02]

Man every joke I know is not acceptable to be posted :mad:

[Envoy Fan]

Subject: car show freiks
>
>For all the car show guys out there or their patient loving wives / gf..
>
>A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
>dentist, Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting
>out in my car waiting for us to go to a car show. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
>
>The dentist thought to himself, -My goodness--this sure is a very Brave
>man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain. So
>the dentist asked him, Which tooth is it, sir?
>
>The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show
>the doctor which tooth hurts.

[LAVABOY]

These ol'boys are drivin down the street havin a good ol' time, Drinkin Drivin and carryn on. As they pull into town the local cop Barney gets behind them and turns on his light bar to pull em over. John the driver says, man I can't get pulled over for drinkin again, I'll go to jail forever. Bill the passanger says, I got an idea, peel the label off the bottle , put it on your forehead and let me do the talkin. John peeled the PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) label from the bottle and slapped it on his forehead and pulled over. When Barney walked up to the car and looked in he immediately saw the label on their foreheads. Barney says, you boys been drinkin and drivin again. Bill looks at Barney and says, NO WAY as you know sir, we've had problems with drinkin in the past, but we went to the doctor for help. As Bill pointed to his forehead he said Look the doc seen we was in such bad shape over drinkin he put us on the patch. :p

[Envoy Fan]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
> local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag
> called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't
> turn up."
>
> "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
> enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
> Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
> "What do you do for a living?"
>
> "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
>
> "You're joking!" was the response.
>
> "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
>
> "Here are my tools."
>
> "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
> take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
>
> So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
> direction of his house.
>
> "Ye ah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
>
> I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
>
> Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in
> there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
>
> He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
>
> "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
> the trigger."
>
> "Can you do two for me now?"
>
> "Sure, what do you want?"
>
> "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
> mouth."
>
> "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his ****
> off to teach him a lesson."
>
> The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
> a few minutes.
>
> "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
>
> "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a
> grand here....." :eek:
>
>

[XTREEME]

> >
> >Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
> >
> >How many men does it take to open a beer?
> >None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> >Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> >never be able to support you.
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> >It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
> >closer to the kitchen sink.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> >When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >How do you fix a woman's watch?
> >You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Why do men fart more than women?
> >Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> >pressure.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> >the front door, who do you let in first?
> >The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> >A woman who won't do what she's told.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >I married a Miss Right.
> >I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >------------------------------ -------------------------------------
> >Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> >by 90%.
> >It's called a Wedding Cake.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Why do men die before their wives?
> >They want to.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
> >with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------
> >In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> >Then God created Man and rested.
> >Then God created Woman.
> >Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> >-------------------------------------------------------------------

[XTREEME]

>>>> Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
>>>> >
>>>> >the hell have you been?"
>>>> >
>>>> >Fred replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
>>>> >
>>>> >"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
>>>> >
>>>> >"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
>>>> >
>>>> >"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
>>>> >
>>>> >disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar
>>>> >
>>>> >bill tattooed on his privates?"
>>>> >
>>>> >"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
>>>> >
>>>> >Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like
>>>> >
>>>> >how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out
>>>> >
>>>> >shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a
>>>> >
>>>> >hundred bucks anytime you want."


:laugh:

[chivistb]

> >A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
> >with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
> >to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make
> >love for the first time.
> >Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
> >takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist
> >helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
> >to know about condoms and sex.
> >At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
> >like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on
> >the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being
> >his first time and all.> >

> >That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets
> >his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
> >parents, come on in!"

> >The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
> >parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
> >head.

> >A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
> >down.
> >10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
> >Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
> >over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
> >religious."
> >The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
> >pharmacist."
:D :D

[Envoy Fan]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery
was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The
painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle
had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were
having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white,
patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, some serious art
critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple
and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted
it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at
all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Envoy Fan]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as
a
> "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had
> any odd jobs for her to do.
> "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much
> will you charge me?"
> The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
> The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was
> in the garage The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband,
> "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
> He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
> The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
> dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
> "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
> "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
> coats."
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
> her.
> "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!!!"
>

[tmcm32]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and tackle box?

We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my
things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does
exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you t! o do? You'll
love the answer...

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

[Envoy Fan]

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat

beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck....pale, hands shaking,

biting his nails and moaning in fear.


"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.


"Oh man.... I've been transferred to California," the other guy

answered, "there's crazy people in California....and they have shootings,

gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."


"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life

and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind

your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as

anywhere in the world."


The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and

said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and

say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"


"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland.

[XTREEME]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And, I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT????? What was that??"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am, and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to ta nice lunch, and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just take them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewlery department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet, when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???"

I then said, "Really honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am, and not for the things I buy you?"

[Dacomputernerd]

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real aXXXXXXe when you're drunk."


:laugh: :laugh: :rotfl: :dielaugh: :thumbsup: :D